You’ve been mostly mothering, but as your children grow, your life’s work is there, humming away trying to get your attention, along with everyone else.
You feel torn, pulled in different directions. You pour out so much of yourself, your emotions, your energy into your family. And it can feel like you are carrying so much, but at the same time being ‘unproductive’ in the world’s eyes. Life feels ‘bitty’ and you have days when, if you’re honest, you feel you are existing, rather than living. You’re tired of being seen as worker OR mother, and wish someone would see you fully – creative, colourful you – and just be completely on your side. You crave some space to breathe, time to focus on one thing and clarity on what is ahead for you.
In your pocket you have an idea or a dream. It’s quiet and still and cool to the touch. It’s your lifesong, the thing that gets you singing.
You’ve tried making time to ‘do more work’, but find yourself caught in that cycle of extra childcare, extra guilt, needing to justify your existence. You’ve tried chatting with other mums or even networking on forums, and it feels disconnected, like there’s no one able to stick with you as you make the leap. You also tried talking with your partner about the future and you end up going round in circles, as he rushes to ‘solve’ the daily issues rather than hearing the strains of song emerging from you.
And the dream stays, mostly, in your pocket.
You’re consulting people who are not partnering with you. As supportive as friends, forums and life-partners might be, they don’t know the right questions to ask to move you forward and they also have their own agendas. Perhaps you’re thinking too hard, getting caught up in the how-now-brown-cow cerebral, all a bit serious mode, and you need something more practical, funny, physical even to get you going.
Imagine a relationship where you can be fully mother AND fully world worker; where you are seen as naturally resourceful and creative and given space to breathe that in..and out. A relationship where you are held at your very best; where action is no longer a too-doo but a whoo-hoo from your whole being. In this place, you feel light and free. In this relationship, the dream can come out of your pocket – and it’s lighter than you thought, even more colourful, even richer. And every bit of that richness reflects back on your life with your children, lightening life as a whole..for that is what you are.
I am a recovering perfectionist, so life as a new mum was very messy. I descended twice, in both 2003 and 2005 into postnatal depression. Before and through all this, I worked in corporate change, both with organisations and individuals, suited and booted, giving me lots of scope to feed my need to be right, look right and do the RIGHT THING. And yes, cue the devastation when I discovered there was no such formula for motherhood, no costume, no where to hide and worst of all, no map, no guide. I wasn’t alright with this and I questioned everything, threatened everything, including my marriage, with cycles of blame and guilt.
Some time into this sequence, I had a dream, where I was clearly shown an image of the ‘death’ that I was choosing as my abode. In a fearful panic I woke, and that very day was given this verse from the bible –
This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the Lord your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the Lord is your life..(Deut 30: 19-20).
And I chose life, so that I and my children might live..and coaching from a Christian coach Tiffany Carlsen of Carlsen Coaching was an important part of that. It gave me the courage to see myself as God sees me, to hear his ‘still, small voice” and his good intention for my life, to take my dream of being fully mother and fully world worker out of my pocket and play with it.
I can now be more like my children – incomplete, imperfect, curious, daring, outrageous and completely loved.
Want to make space to dig the dream out of your pocket? Check out my 1-1 Clarity, Cut and Brilliance Coaching packages and sign up for a commitment free taster session with me.